I planned my weekend well, and had time for everything I wanted to do and then some. I made lots of food for the week, and watched a movie, and went for a walk. Most importantly, I had free time, and time to just think. I generally talk myself out of any sort of free time, with the assumption that I could be doing something useful during that block of time. The funny thing is, quiet time *is* useful, in and of itself!
I have to admit that I did get a bit sad with the pondering. Nat and I are going through a lot of changes–mostly good, but hard nonetheless. Nat has started transitioning socially, from life in a female body to life in a male one. And while I generally feel that he will continue to be the same person, I’m also mourning a loss, but of what I just can’t say.
I come from staunch German people, and we don’t talk much about feelings. You either feel fine, or at least lie and say you feel fine, even if you don’t. But, the problem with that method is that I feel better when I let Nat in on what’s in my head, and I feel lousy when I just lie about it. It’s hard to change assumptions about how you deal with feelings, especially when the modus operandi was 180 degrees from where you want to be.
Honestly, it’s even weird to talk about this here. It’s bad enough to *have* feelings, and really bad to talk about them! 🙂
I mostly want to remind myself that some downtime every week is a good thing, even if I come across thoughts that are a little rough.